Zi Hao, as my leader, he sincerely tried his best to get to know me as much as possible and I've gotta say, he is one person who I actually attempted to open up to despite the fact that he is also one of the "new members" in the CG. I really know nothing much about everyone else and neither did they know much about me.
Months had passed by then and I still could not get myself to open up to any of them, neither was I able to get them to open up to me. Thus, I started drifting from them.. well that isn't right, I was never close enough with them to actually drift away. A barrier was erected between us.. on second thought, I think that particular barrier had already existed from the start.. I began to skip CG meetings, I dreaded hanging out after service with the CG/zone. Despite my desire to go for service for the word of God and the praise & worship, I had no intention of socialising, I felt so foreign in the zone. It was awkward, it was uncomfortable, I couldn't be myself, it was all surface-level interactions that I found meaningless. I guess that was when I sort of gave up on building my "horizontal relationship" in church.
If I recall, two months into the year of 2015, Dehuai began to attend service less often and around the same time, Andrew's eczema started to take a turn for the worse. I can totally understand the reasons why Dehuai didn't want to come, they're probably the same reasons as mine. As for Andrew, because of his deteriorating skin condition, he could hardly even walk straight, let alone meeting up with us or even coming for service. It was a really dry season for me, I was also very worried about Andrew's condition. At that point of time, I found myself often asking God why did this have to happen to Andrew and what is my purpose of even being in this church anymore? As I watched Amelia, I felt like she was even more involved with the church and the people during that season, EVEN AMELIA. HAHA! No offence.
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| Left to Right: Andrew, Me, Dehuai |
For as long as I knew, I've clearly observed that despite all the unity that the zone always speaks of, the fact remains that everyone has their own group of friends that they'd often stick to, and I believe that I am no exception. Had Janson and the others not left church, I'd probably be spending most of my time with them too. However, in reality, I didn't have that "group of friends" at that point of time. Aside from Yew Siong, I was only close to Amelia. Here are some examples of the "groups" that I've mentioned, in my CG, Jeremy, Linyu and Ryan are close to Bevan and DengJun, so that's one group there. Another example can be Yew Siong and Zi Hao, they are close friends with Jordan and Marcus, so there we have another group. Each of these groups always had their own private outings and hangouts and to be honest, I was jealous. I no longer had friends like that, At that point, I have also lost Rafe, Enqi and Nicholas too,..
I shared with Yew Siong, Zi Hao and Amelia (and later on Vincent, only after the 叛-nins group was established) about all those issues of mine, They were literally the only few people I could open up to in church during that time.
As I shared with Amelia, with all due respect, I really wasn't expecting her to give me an answer to my issues, especially those related to my relationship with the church people. However, I did feel reassured from her words after speaking to her about my worries for Andrew and despite the fact that she wasn't very close to Andrew at that time, she made it a point to pray for him and even assisted me along with Michelle in doing up a card and together, we also baked brownies to encourage Andrew. I was really grateful for that. Despite how anti-social she is in church, I could see that she does have a heart in loving people, regardless of how much she claims that she is not the friendliest and kindest person around.
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| Amelia & I |
As for Yew Siong, I guessed that he did understand me more or less but I felt that he probably didn't have an answer for me too. He provided me with standard "textbook answers" and a chunk of words (yeah, that's how I am describing them) that really does not administer to any of my problems that time. I was a little upset after speaking to him that time, probably due to his response which I shall not go into details. Let's just say that the "answer" he gave me was totally some model answer quoted from phrases and encouragements commonly used in the church and I felt that he was not giving me advice from his own personal thoughts. I felt like I was listening to the "rules and words of the church" rather than his own thoughts and words as my friend. However, I do appreciate the fact that he sat through with me the whole time, listening to all my troubles and assuring me that he'd always be there for me no matter what happens
Oh yes, I have also talked to Yew Siong regarding the issue involving my conflict with my Cafe ministry and I've gotta say, he was honestly a big help. He really wasted no time in approaching me as soon as he heard about my issue and settled it for me almost right away. For that particular incident, he really did spared a lot of thoughts for me, putting himself in my shoes and counselling me from there. Overall, I'm really grateful for him in my life, he is really like an older brother that is always around to make fun of me, to crack me up with his cold jokes, to guide me in my walk with God and in life as well as being there to offer me a helping hand when I stumble.. Despite the fact that I really wished that he could be his real self more often when interacting with me, I don't want him to have that "church/cell group leader facade".
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| Yew Siong & I |
Honestly, even until today, I am still not very close with Zi Hao as compared to Yew Siong. It's a fact that he is my leader and I have opened up to a certain extent towards him. However, there's just this part of Zi Hao that I just can't breakthrough, He has this wall that he puts up which keeps me from getting to know him on a deeper level. I cannot really accept the fact that I have opened up myself this but yet he does not open up as much to me. I am sensing this pride that he possesses, probably due to the reason that he is a CGL, he can't afford to show the vulnerable side of him because he is the main supporting pillar of the CG, it won't be wise to show signs of weakness. That is something that I really disagree with. I strongly believe that all forms of relationship, especially deep ones, takes two hands to clap.
A deep mutual bond can only be built when both parties are willing to reveal their vulnerability. Friends are people whom I can trust enough to look out for each other's back, we compensate for each other's weakness with our strengths. That's my own personal perspective and principle of friendships. Zi Hao is too afraid to show his weakness and he is way too serious in many occasions, I feel that he needs to let loose a little. I am fully aware of his family financial issues and that he is juggling a lot in life. His plate is entirely filled with studies, work, church and his personal life and I am well aware that he is having a hard time balancing them well. It hurts me to see him like this because he is honestly a good friend that I can count on and I wished he could count on me at times too. However, he is too closed up for me to step in anywhere into his life. Similarly, Yew Siong is like that too. Despite all that he has done for me, I felt that whatever I have done for him is so surface-level and so physical (surprising him, encouraging him when he is in a busy season in life, getting gifts for him etc.) Perhaps it's because I am a nobody? Because I ain't no leader in church?
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| Zi Hao and I |
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