Time To Say Goodbye

"Time To Say Goodbye"Firstly, I apologize for not continuing part 2 of "The Beginning of A New Journey", I really needed to talk about this today. I promise that I will finish up on that soon!



In any case, I named this post after one of my favourite songs from Simple Plan (who by the way, is also my favourite band), Time To Say Goodbye. Since the good'ol days of secondary school, this song was always there, encouraging and supporting me when more than half of my clique, whom I thought are gonna be my lifelong friends, just upped and left me. God knows where they are now, everyone is scattered all over the world. However, no matter, I sincerely do wish that they are doing well wherever they are despite the fact that I could never forget how they left Dehuai, Andrew and I without a word. To be honest, I'm not one to let go of any form of relationship easily, in fact, I always have a hard time regardless of how hard my friends advised me to do so for certain relationships. I'm terrible at goodbyes.... For this post, I will be talking about one of those"certain relationships", dedicating it to one of my closest friend since secondary school that I have finally decided to bid farewell to.. and no, I am not doing so because I hate her and all... As a matter of fact, I really appreciate our 7 long years of friendship and those wonderful memories will always be etched deep in my heart. That's why I thank God that he created,"Photographs". People come in and out of our lives all the time, though we have absolutely no idea when exactly someone is gonna enter or exit. Despite the fact that I have decided to leave her, I will be taking all those great memories with me as I move on. Without a doubt, I will definitely miss this friendship of ours, along with Nicholas and Enqi. However, whenever I start to feel that way, I will simply browse through our photos and look back on those days and tell myself," This is real, this really happened, we were happy, we were close and as long as I know that, this friendship will continue living in my heart, it will never end. At least not on the watch of my heart, it wouldn't." As we speak, I have already been doing that.



Getting straight to the main point, I shall utilize the lyrics of this song to illustrate and explain why I made that decision of mine.

"I just don't want to waste another day, I'm trying to make things right, But you shove it in my face"
Exactly as the lyrics states, I really don't wanna waste any more of my time, I have been trying really hard to be there for you, to be your cushion when you fall, to lend you my ears when you need them, to offer you my thoughts and opinions when you are lost. I know that sometimes I don't have the best and absolute answers for each of your problems, but I really do try to make things right for you and I do that because I want to, because I know you'll do the same for me, for Enqi and for Nicholas. You listened really attentively to what I have to say all the time, you always nod as I pointed you towards a direction that I think you should travel whenever you lose your way. You thanked me and told me how much you appreciated my advices. As your friend, that's one of the most satisfying thing I wanna hear from you. As time goes by, one advice became ten, ten advices became a hundred, but even so, you are still frequently losing your way. Ultimately, I realised that you had never followed the map that I had provided you with. Instead, you either went back to where you came from or you decide to take another path and then once again, when you got lost, you would call me up to rescue you. Then I realized, this was a never ending cycle.

"And all those things you've done to me I can't erase, And I can't keep this inside, It's time to say goodbye"
I have forgiven them, my secondary school clique, whatever they had done. Similarly, I could forgive you as well, or rather I never held a grudge. However, I can never forget, I can never erase it from my memories no matter how hard I try. I can't keep all these frustrations sealed in any longer.  I will never forget how you left me to fend for myself when you had all your different boyfriends, how you only came looking for me when you got hurt by them, how you said that you really saw me as a best friend of yours but letting me conclude that those were empty words.

"On the first day that I met you, I should have known to walk away, I should have told you you were crazy, And disappear without a trace, But instead I stood there waiting, Hoping you would come around, But you always found a way to let me down"
On the very first day of school, I could tell, that this girl was definitely gonna be the princess in class. Always whining, always complaining, always trying to upstage somebody, never ever admitted that she was in the wrong, quarreled with the teacher fearlessly, always wanted to be in the limelight etc. I can't even remember how we actually became friends. It's funny how I had almost no good impressions of you, but yet... how strange. Despite your spoilt and princess-ey personality, I told myself to not give up on you. I observed you, slowly I realized that you were fun to be around, you stood up to anyone who bullied your friend, you didn't just simply say that you are gonna be awesome, you worked harder than anyone to prove yourself and that's when I knew, the girl is definitely a friend material and friends are supposed to accept every aspect of each other, their strength and weaknesses are all in one single package. Thus, despite what people told me, I decided to give you a chance and see how far our friendship could go. Throughout these 7 years, we've reached high up into the skies, touching the rainbows as the shining rays of the Sun shined brightly on our friendship. However, we've also touched rock bottom in many occasions, but every one of those times, I chose to have faith and carry on with the thought that pain will strengthen our friendship in the long run. What's a friendship without fights? in fact, friendships that make it out of such ordeals usually come out stronger than before, so I believed in that.

"After all the things I've done for you, You never tried to do the same"
Not being petty and I really didn't wanna bring this up but I was really disappointed in how you could forget my birthday and probably waited till Facebook reminded you before you came to wish me. I always put in so much effort for you on your birthdays but you hardly ever did anything for most of my birthdays, Yes, that sounded really petty and disgusting because true friends would have never have wanted anything in return for making an effort for the other party. However, I am not mentioning this because you didn't really do anything for my birthdays but I brought this up to show how much effort I was putting for this friendship, for you. However, you hardly tried to do the same. Yes, at times I was jealous, jealous of how you could put in so much effort for your other friends and your ex-boyfriends, all those grand birthday celebrations, how you could go the extent of contacting all their friends and coordinating with them to plan their birthday celebration, how you could ask me out to shop and pick out their presents with you. Truth to be told, I hardly even have a present from you to keep as a memento. Yes, I appreciated that birthday card you made me in secondary three, I saw the video of how did up the card, step by step, piece by piece. That's one gift I really treasured to remind me of you. However, that was 5 years ago, are you saying I only truly mattered to you and truly worth your efforts 5 years ago?

"It's like you always play the victim, And I'm the one you always blame"
Whenever we fight, you ALWAYS don't hesitate to say this one particular line,"Fine, it's my fault okay? All these is my fault! If that's the case then we should not be friends anymore." and then you will also say one of the most hurtful thing that a friend could say,"I don't need you in my life, I have plenty of people around me who cares about me!" Hello? STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM! Nobody is the victim... when two persons fight, both parties are guilty alright?

"When you need someone to save you, When you think you're going to drown, You just grab your arms around me and pull me down"
As mentioned, you only came looking for me when you needed help, when you were in need of a listening ear, when you needed a cushion to land on. You cried to me, you complained to me, you vented your anger on me. Not to make myself sound noble or anything, but each time, I really do try to understand you and offer you the answer you needed, to accompany you until you're feelng better. However, as you know, I am not a super positive person to begin with despite how I always talk to many people and always trying to see things on the bright side, keyword is "TRYING". When you imposed all your negative thoughts onto me, I felt suffocated. At times, I was really at a low point in my life and I seriously couldn't muster any strength to help you. Sometimes, just seeing you running to me in tears makes me ponder whether have I really been a good friend to you? If I had, why would you constantly be feeling so insecure? Constantly getting hurt?

"Somewhere in the distance, There's a place for me to go, I don't want you to hate me, But I think you need to know, You're weighing on my shoulders, And I'm sick of feeling down, So I guess it's time for me to say goodbye" 
So..... yup I am moving on. I am moving on to some place that really needs me and see me for who I am, not some emergency first-aid kit. Alright, as much as I don't want you to hate me but it's okay if you do.. for silently drifting away from you and giving up on this 7-year long friendship. However, I really need to come clean.... that you were an emotional baggage to me, it was a burden on my shoulders and I am really tired and exhausted from your troubles. From what I see, I am definitely not someone that can help you, if I could, I would have solved your problems long ago and not have you come to me in tears in so many occasions. I'm sorry if I could not live up to your expectations. I wish you all the best in SUTD and your dream of being a rocket scientist and also, IRONWOMAN! HAHA! I hope that in the future when we see each other on streets, we will still greet each other with genuine smiles :D! Let us put the "good" in "goodbye" and the "well" in "farewell", it has been a long and awesome journey with you, Enqi and Nicholas (I shall share about Enqi and Nicholas another time in another post, and yes they were awesome friends to me too!), I will remember all those times for the 4 of us!

The Beginning of a New Journey Part 1

Okay, I'm lazy to have a normal introduction post about myself, and besides this blog is mainly for me to vent, whether is it in anger, joy or sorrow, that's the purpose of this blog. Thus, I do not see a point to introduce myself. Also, if I were to allow you to read this blog, it means that it shouldn't be necessary for me to introduce myself don't you think? LOL! HAHA.

ALRIGHT! I guess here's my first post, and I guess I shall dedicate it to someone who's been constantly supporting and watching over me, and He is none other than The Lord. Please don't think of me as some hardcore and super religious guy. Despite my love for God, I am not the same as those people who think that they are so pure and holy compared to the non-believers, I am just a regular, God-loving Christian who goes to church weekly and I respect whatever religion you believe in.

Moving on from the disclaimer, I have been in church for approximately 2 years and 9 months, and I have got to say, getting to know God was really a life-changing experience for me and I thank God that I have Him in my life. I'm pretty sure that it was God who had anonymously guided me to church despite me not knowing him prior to becoming a Christian. I shall go into more details on that later on in this post or maybe part 2? LOL. I've never had the best impression of Christians, especially not since during a few occasions in the past, Christians came knocking on my door and openly tried to convert my family and I. They even insulted my family who were Buddhist, criticizing that they were foolish, praying to wooden blocks and statues. Despite the fact that I had never really believed in Buddhism, I was really pissed at what they said. I don't really care what religion you belong to, but you have no rights to insult other people's beliefs. Thus, they gave an extremely terrible first impression of Christians and churches in my heart.

July 1st, 2012, I stepped into church for the very first time, for my primary (as well as secondary school) friend, Dehuai, had invited me to his church as he told me that there was gonna be a live performance by the Youtube stars, Jayesslee that was going to be hosted by his church! Not really a big fan of theirs, but I do enjoy several song covers performed by them and I really feel that they are gorgeous. Although I hesitated initially, Dehuai, who is a really close friend to me even now, had changed so much after attending this church for a few months. He really turned into a better person compared to his rowdy and delinquent self back in secondary school who talked back at the teachers all the time (Well, those were really good and hilarious times that will make me laugh when I look back on it xD). With my mind filled with curiosity, I really wanted to find out what was it about this church that made my friend changed so drastically in such a short period of time, so after a mini war took place in my mind in order to make a decision, ultimately, I agreed to go.

Arriving at the fountain that I had came across countless number of times in my life, I never knew that a church actually existed just beyond the white gate that stood right beside that particular fountain. As I walked through the gate with Dehuai and two good friends of mine from secondary school, Eileen and Jocelyn, we were greeted by an usher and we awkwardly thanked her. As we walked a little further, we were astonished by the sight of the crowd, even Dehuai. People were queuing (some were even sitting) under the scorching sun, waiting to board the bubble lift up to the auditorium of the church. Honestly, I was like,"WTF.. Isn't this supposed to be a church service? Why are people queuing like as if it is a concert by Super Junior? Ugh can I just go home? Just looking at the crowd can make my claustrophobia act up." Little did I know that if I had followed through with that thought and went home, my life may have been different from what it is today. In the end, for Jayesslee, I decided to persevere. Additionally, I did not want to disappoint Dehuai who had invited me for the third time to come and visit his church.

As we queued under that blazing sun who thinks that she is so freaking hot, I just surrendered to her, she IS indeed hot, but even so, she continued to shower her fiery heat on us (ugh bitch..). People often say, 心静自然凉，so I calmed down and eventually got lost into a conversation with my three friends.. until a voice called out from afar,"Dehuai!!!" We turned our attention to the direction where the voice came from. With that crowd, it was nearly impossible to figure out who it was. Then, I saw a figure running over towards us and a voice I will never ever forget even if I were to get Alzheimer's disease in the future, was etched into my memories as the guy said hi to us. This guy is none other than my current cell group leader (CGL), Yew Siong. As we started a conversation, from his vibe, I knew that he was very sociable and that he is probably the siao-on kind of person. My friends and I were a little overwhelmed by his friendliness. My two friends and I gazed at one another a few times through out the conversation, telepathically saying,"Omg wow, is this how Christians are like? Are Christians usually that friendly?" Nevertheless, I enjoyed my conversation with him because I could see that he was really sincere and really wanted to get to know us as from what I've heard, Christians are usually fake and two-faced, they only wanna preach about Jesus to you and forcefully convert you. Despite how I was not really THAT sociable at that point of time compared to now, I tried my very best to hold a conversation him.

Out of the blue, another voice came calling with much enthusiasm (emphasis on the much),"Dehuai! Yew Siong! I've been looking all over for you guys!!" I turned my attention to the guy who spoke like a celebrity from KidsCentral/Okto, and friends, that's the story of how I met Marcus, who led me in my cell group back in DL zone. We spoke a little and then it was our turn to board the bubble lift,"Thank God!" I told Eileen and Jocelyn, though at that point of time, I had no idea what God I was actually being grateful to LOL!

As we stepped into the auditorium, Eileen shockingly exclaimed,"WAH SIA LA! Is 1D gonna be performing here!?" Yup, she is a big 1D fan, or what they call, a Directioner.. haha! Jocelyn and I were equally overwhelmed as we came with an expectation of seeing wooden chairs, tinted glasses and a large cross somewhere at the stage of the auditorium, somewhere along that line. To our surprise, the place was like a concert hall rather than a church. There were drums set, electric guitars and keyboards on the stage. Yew Siong was like,"Told y'all that you guys will be surprised!" True enough, we were. He then continued,"Ehh tell you guys what, if any of you can find a cross in this auditorium, I'll treat that person Gong Cha." I happily accepted,"Okay you say one uh! Challenge accepted!" I desperately looked around the auditorium and there was nothing that even came close to resembling a cross. At the same time, Eileen and Jocelyn were browsing and scanning the auditorium too, but similarly, to no avail. Yew Siong and Dehuai giggled at the side, making fun of how desperate I was just for the Gong Cha LOL!

Then service started, and not surprisingly (not anymore at least...), it was really like a concert. As Jayesslee performed, everyone clapped and sang along. (OMG! Their Payphone and Officially Missing You were awesome!) and then there was a short word by Pastor How, the senior pastor of the church. As Eileen began using her cell phone, Jocelyn and I were still paying attention to the sermon preached by him and I was surprised that I was actually interested in it. Service then ended with a praise song and once again, I'm surprised that my two friends and I were clapping along to the song. Eventually, I actually ended up singing along to the song. Even I had no idea why I did that.. I didn't even believe in Christianity then.. weird.... But well, I always knew Christian songs were nice, but I never thought there were actually,... ROCK genre Christian songs LOL!

After service, we made our way to City Plaza to eat the Ban Mian at the food court on the 5th floor. Oh on a side note, the Ban Mian there is very nice, you guys can go and try! Personally, I have eaten at every food stall at the food court as well as the different eateries at City Plaza since my dad works there, so I have been going there since young. If you need recommendations, you can let me know haha! Our table was filled with loud, attention-seeking laughter as we chowed down the delicious Ban Mian. At the end of the meal, Yew Siong asked if I was free to hang out again next weekend as Eileen, Jocelyn and I, we took part in this lucky draw for new friends in the church, and the results were getting announced next week during service. Pondering about it for what seems like seconds in real life to other but minutes to me, I agreed. I did so most probably because I really did not have many friends around me to hang out with. More than half of my secondary school clique had left me to study abroad and all (I might find them to go deeper into this issue), Poly had just started so I wasn't close with my classmates yet. Therefore, I decided to try and get to know the church people better as they were really nice and were genuine in getting to know me. Jocelyn and Eileen explained that they may have something on, and may not be able to make it. I was a little afraid as they said so as I thought that it might be awkward if they didn't come along with me. However, I've already agreed.. so whatever, I decided to just go. That marks the end of my first day visiting the church.