Disconnected

It just suddenly hit me today, that I am really getting disconnected from many people in life. Yew Siong had a heart to heart with me earlier today about Dehuai, feeling worried and burdened that he hasn't been coming to church or hanging with us at all. I knew in my heart that this was coming sooner or later, and that I'm pretty sure that I wasn't the only one to have noticed. Yes, indeed, my best friend who brought me to church, the guy who was so passionate with the acoustic guitar, the guy who dreamed to one day be on the worship team, was slowly distancing away from the church, from the CG, from me. Despite the fact that the previous week when we met up, we could still talk and share about our stuff like we always do, I could already feel a little gap between us and that his faith in God which he explained was still pretty strong. However, he has been drifting from church for quite a while now... Although I do have some issues regarding the management of this church and the people. I'm still quite saddened at the fact that he is attending service less and less these days, I'm worried that one day he might just decided to stop coming altogether.

I know that Pastor How has preached in one of his sermons that we should all have our own altar and that we can not standing on someone else's altar, Regardless of whether your friend's altar should collapse or not, we should not be shaken and continue to stand strong. Those word rang loud and clear in my mind, but yet... I'm still getting shaken. I gotta admit.. I was pretty shaken up when Albert, a really close leader of mine who led me since I started my journey as a Christian, Douglas, my close friend who used to talk bullshit with me about everything and rushed with me to do up birthday cards last minute during our time as the birthday coordinators, Joven and WeiKeong, the hilarious and humorous duo who never fail to keep me laughing all the time and an inspirational CG guitarist and drummer respectively rising up. There was really this time that I was really so on fire in church and working hard together with all those people really made me really happy. I felt as though those friends I had would be with me for the rest of my life. Even Andrew, my close secondary school friend whom Dehuai and I worked hard to let him know Christ, is also drifting away from church due to certain circumstances which I will not be talking about here. Furthermore, I was also pretty disconnected myself from the people in my zone and even my CG, with all my close friends gone and all.. Therefore, at this point of time, I really felt the need to talk to someone. Yew Siong is practically the only person left at this point of time in church that I am actually comfortable to talk to (Well, I am pretty sure Amelia and Vincent are aware of these issues of mine since they are also one of the few people left in church that I can pour out my stuff to).  So I'll just let my text to Yew Siong do the explanation part:



Siong! I think that in regards to what you've talked to me just now, I really needed to talk about this.. I'll just say that I won't deny that I am sort of shaken since the time Albert, Doug, Joven, Keong they all left.. and now even more so that  the person who brought me to church and even Andrew, are drifting away. Despite how I still have my faith in God and my own altar still standing, I do feel pained and disheartened.. It's like everyone that I'm close to are leaving one by one gradually. It's like I know what's right for me, and I still have my faith in God, but I can't help but be discouraged and saddened.

Furthermore, it is the fact that just because they don't come to church anymore, then they totally cut off all ties with us, makes me feel like church was the only thing keeping us together as friends. You also mentioned about Yunwai and Alvin they all, similarly I also felt that now that we are in different CGs, we are no longer that close. Genuinely speaking, my conversations with them these days consist of saying hi and bye and maybe surface questions like, "How is school?"...

Nowadays, I know that there are many more new people in the zone and all. Hanging out with them, I really do feel that they are all really awesome and fun people! But for some reasons, I really couldn't build deeper relationships with them even though I'm trying. I just feel distant from everyone, even the CG. I try to forget everything and just have fun all the time when hanging out,  but ultimately, at the end of the day it always left me pondering that I'm really not connected with anyone from the zone.. I'm alright when it comes to just having fun and hanging out, but I'm just not connected to anyone on a deeper level. Maybe that's what made me wanna avoid zone outings and gatherings at times.

These days I just feel like I'm no longer the loving person who tries to go out to love people and get to know new friends like I was last time, at least not as much.. I'm just feeling a little bit 矛盾 (mao dun). Like my horizontal relationship is not going so well and I really don't know what to do.

So yeah, generally I'm still feeling shaken up by what is happening now and kinda at a lost.. 

Once again, another Simple Plan song that really spoke into my situation now (yes, that is why I love them so much!):